Support and Self-Image

Things have calmed down finally, personally and with school, and I find myself feeling much better.

Another reason occurred to me regarding why I wanted to retreat into makeup and "hotness" while my personal life was in such an uproar: MF has been my biggest supporter in the experiment. If nothing else, I know the most important person in my life thinks I'm beautiful, and that gives me the guts to explore. Having that support backing me up made me so much more secure, and when it was shaking a little I got scared again.

Fortunately, now that things are calmer I can venture out onto that limb again with less fear. This evening some peeps are coming over to hang out in the hot tub at our complex, and I was all ready to relax with them... and then I realized that I couldn't let them see me in a bathing suit, and I'd have to cover my head. Hmm. I could have worn a shirt and skirt with a bathing suit underneath and a ball cap, but... seriously? This saves me from comparing myself to... whomever. Saves me sucking in my tummy, as if anyone cares whether I have tummy fat. So I'm missing out on hot tubbage, but I'm also missing out on an opportunity to tell myself I'm not thin enough.

In unrelated news, I worked out reeeaaaaally hard today, in large part because I think it's helping! I haven't lost weight, but my arms look better and so do my abs (or, they look better underneath the extra flesh). It feels good to exercise control over how I look in ways that are also good for me, vs. spending money I don't have on cosmetics.