12/18-12/21

12/18/10
Time: 20 minutes
Products: N.B.W., Neutrogena spf 70, Almay Clear Complexion Concealer, Body Shop Eyeshadow Quad, Tarte Cheek Stain, CG ColorStay Lipcolor; Samy Under Control molding wax (hair)
Event: Christmas party with MF's friends
- I wanted to look cute-- I knew some of these people, but the ones I didn't know I wanted to impress, cause they've known MF for a long time. You know how it is: you're "the new girlfriend," so you want to look nice, but not overly done-up. It just so happened that I wasn't feeling particularly slim that night, so I wore looser stuff than usual. Because of MF's preference for the "less is more" look, I was significantly lower key than I ordinarily would have been for this sort of thing. If we had been at my place with ALL my makeup and various implements of beauty, it would've been at least 45 minutes.

12/19/10
Time: 30 minutes (lots of changing of clothes)
Products: Same as above, only without any lip stuff
Event: Meeting and hanging out with MF's family
- This was hard to figure out. Since I've been worrying less about my physical appearance lately, I've actually felt much less attractive. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I go, "Meh. I'm not disgusting," but I never think, "I'm beautiful!" like I sometimes do. So I HAD to do something with my hair (looked in the mirror and thought my face looked pudgy) and wore something cute with jeans (but thought my tummy was poofy cause it's about time for my Aunt to show up) and wore little makeup (because I left my mascara at home). All in all, I felt distinctly unattractive on the 19th, especially when I caught glimpses of myself in the mirrors at Target and the mall that MF and I went out to to do some Christmas shopping afterwards. I'm trying to ease myself into this, but it's proving to be really difficult.

12/20/10
Time: 5 minutes
Products: N.B.W., Neutrogena spf 70
Event: None. Trip down the street to CVS to get more face lotion with sunscreen, chapstick, and... OK, OK. Cheap mascara.
- Wore a hat cause it's cold as hell here, but something interesting happened. I went to get stuff to protect my skin from the elements, which I mean to continue wearing during the experiment, but I also could no longer stand not wearing mascara. This is because I think that my eyes are my best feature, and without it they looked boring, which took the focus of them from my awesome cheekbones to my not-awesome wrinkly chin... good grief. Anyway, I got the cheap stuff cause I won't be wearing it long, but it still cost... ah, SH*T. I thought I got the $5 stuff, but it was $9! DAMMIT! (Maybelline Lash Discovery, $8.49) Rargh.

But the interesting happened when I found myself engaged in my age-old battle of "I really want that and I don't need it and it costs money I don't need to spend but maybe I'll get it anyway" that I end up in whenever I go to Walgreens or CVS (see my first post about why I can't go to those places). There was $8 nail polish and some GORGEOUS $12 eye makeup-- cause I need more eye makeup-- and the only thing that stopped me was reminding myself that in a week and a half I won't be wearing any of the things I wanted, which made them a huger waste of money than usual. The word "investment" came to mind when I thought about it, as in, "This stuff isn't an investment in my appearance, like usual."

That's a funny way to think of makeup.

This was the first official instance of the Experiment saving me money: approximately $10.

12/21/10
Time: 30 minutes
Products: EVERYTHING I HAVE WITH ME.
Event: Initially, hanging out with MF's awesome best friend (who is female and beautiful and younger than I, but not at all shallow or weird or ambivalent about me dating MF).
- Then, just before I started writing this post and despite the fact that no one will see me today, I suddenly had the urge to make myself look as beautiful as I could. I did this for two reasons: one, I wanted to look at myself in the mirror and see myself as beautiful, and two, making oneself up is FUN. So I broke out the brushes and everything, including hair products, and now every few seconds I look at myself in the darkened window beside me and flutter my eyelashes at the imaginary person who appraises me.

Like I said, I can be vain. Right now, I think I am quite beautiful for the first time in days... which upsets me in an unfamiliar way because of course, soon I won't be able to satisfy my urge to make myself up and admire myself. I'll want to look at myself and think I'm beautiful, but I can't do it with makeup and hair stuff, which makes me feel like crying. Very soon, I will only be able to control my appearance to a certain extent, and it's a much lesser one than usual. The only comforting thought is knowing that I won't have to do this forever.

This is LUDICROUS, how upsetting this is! Hmph. It's a good thing I've committed to do this and hang on for the whole nine months come what may, because it's going to be really hard for me sometimes.